Creeps & Nightmares

I had the worst nights sleep, I had a fever, was up and down to get water and use the bathroom 101 times and when I did eventually get to sleep I had nightmares! 

I dreamt that people were trying to force me into getting married and kept telling me I was old now and needed to grow up.  OOJ and his parents (in real life he doesn't have a father) were following me around and I kept running away as soon as he looked like he was going to get down on one knee.  I was on a farm at one point (maybe relevant as I spent a few years of my adolescence on one) and I was surrounded by heavy machinery and couldn't somehow seem to get out of the shed.  (make your own assumptions).

Needless to say I woke up this morning really unsettled.  

I had planned on heading out today and grabbing some nice bits and pieces to cook tonight before coming back to finish the final bits of unpacking and organising but its out as I don't feel well enough to move far from the couch.

So what have I done so far today other than sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself I hear you ask.   Well, I've created two invites on Facebook for people round for a dinner party, one at the end of this month and the second in mid-July.  I've found someone to come with me to watch the Scrimbledon roller derby bout this weekend (if i'm feeling well enough), and I've downloaded some movies so I can mooch and be entertained later.

What else...

I haven't had a proper conversation with Mr X for a while now, he msgs me on and off as I do him, but whenever he is online its like he msgs me and then is distracted so I end up waiting for a reply.  He did a similar thing this morning (he now has the same weekend as me Fri-Sat), I replied to his question, waited a couple of mins and got no response and so msgd to say I was going and for him to call or msg me next time he had time to talk properly as I wasnt' going to stop what I was doing to participate in a disjointed conversation.  He said sorry and ok, I'll let you know how it goes.

What else can I tell you?  Hmmm well, do you remember Pooch & Waves?

Well Pooch asked me to hang out last Sunday, I said it sounded great and didn't think too much about it until I realised Waves wasn't going to be there at which point I sent a quick text saying I was looking forward to it but had he told his gf (Waves) that we were going to be hanging out.  

Long story short he said he hadn't.  I then made my position clear that I wasn't going to hang out with him if it meant that I would have to omit the truth or watch what I was saying around Waves in future and I certainly wasn't going to do anything that could be construed as suspicious.  His response highlighted the fact that she feels uncomfortable if we hang out without her as she thinks he wants to cheat on her with me and so how could he possibly tell her as it would make his life so difficult, and woe is him and he really needed me to be his friend right now etc. 

The conversation ended shortly after when I  told him to strap on a pair of ovaries (A phrase stolen from Six) and tell her we were going to hang out or to forget it and be clear about that fact that I wouldn't be inviting him to do anything without her in tow until such a point that he was going to be honest as I wouldn't want to be lied to if I was in her shoes.  

As it happens bloggers I also tend to agree with Waves and think if Pooch was given the opportunity he would dump Waves in a heartbeat to be with me;  aided by the fact that shortly after my assertive and clearly outlined text I received an email from Amazon stating that I had just been given a £25 voucher from Pooch, I mean WTF!   

No bloggers, treat your fellow girlie's how you yourself would want to be treated.  Personally if I was that uncertain about the intentions of my bf, I would kick him to the curb without a second thought.  Then again, that's me and if there is one thing I've learnt this past year or so, its that a lot of people put up with a lot of shit, just because they don't want to be alone.  I mean look at Six, she is back with her twat of an ex bf despite him making it perfectly clear that he doesn't and can never see himself falling in love with her.  Wonka is another example, she put up with a controlling and cheating boyfriend for three years only to be dumped out of the blue and then to find out two weeks later he had got another girl pregnant.

The real question is why does anyone put up with it?

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The Ataris - Your Boyfriend Sucks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLZUnfPBw5w

Temptress

Women are so totally irrational sometimes.  For those of you who have read my blog before you will know about Pooch and Waves (a couple I know).  Pooch and I work together although he is full-time and I met Waves through him when she came along to my Halloween party.  We hang out on occasion and while I see Pooch more and we grab the odd pint after work, Waves is always invited along to every interaction.

You see Pooch has a thing for me and I am well aware of it, so it seems is Waves.  A while ago they came to blows over it and since I have made every effort not to see Pooch unless Waves is in tow.  The other day one of my cats was really sick and I had to head to the emergency vet, due to two screwed shoulders and a broken thumb I needed some muscle to help me carry the cat box and as Pooch and Waves live close they were my first point of call.  Apparently this has spiked another 'wave' of jealousy.

Its mental!  I mean while Pooch may have something for me which Waves has probably picked up on its pretty clear that there is nothing going on from my end.  I never invite him along to anything without her.  My type of guy is punky with piercings and tattoo's (and while the guys I date long term never fit into this they are usually gym buffs), Pooch is a geeky, un-trendy guy with a non-descript haircut and glasses.  He is a really nice guy but even in a moment of weakness I wouldn't be tempted.

Not knowing this I invited Pooch and Waves over for dinner with a few others this Sat to keep my mind of things and it all came out.  You see apparently despite being upset over Mr X leaving, running from any guy who gets too close, not being attracted to Pooch at all, being in the middle of exams and inviting Waves as his plus one to all occasions, Waves thinks I am such a temptress of seduction that Pooch and I will end up breaking her heart and in a relationship.

Yes bloggers, we women are certainly overprotective of our men.

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Pun intended on today's tune:

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bg59q4puhmg

Inner Mentalist

The problem with blogging and putting your life on a plate for the whole world to see is that while you may be a rational and well rounded person, putting your thoughts and feelings on a page highlight your inner 'weirdo'.

Mr X has been applying for jobs in the UAE where his parents, sister and niece live, he has being doing this for a while and I have been supporting him through interviews as we have been getting on really well (and before you assume anything, purely and only as friends, the occasional mention of who one of us is dating but all very appropriate for two exes who are trying to remain friends).  Anyway, last week Mr X told me he had been offered a job and had accepted and is due to leave the UK in 3 weeks.

I was really pleased for him, the job is perfect, the salary is good and its something that will probably help him sort his head out.  I said I would help him sell/get rid of his things and we both had a lil choked up moment when we realised that we had come through so much to still be each others 'go to person' and to have found solid ground at the exact time we are about to put several thousand miles between us.

Yesterday Mr X and I agreed to hang out at 2pm, organise, chat, have a few drinks and really just spend some time together as in a few weeks we wouldn't be able to.  Anyway long story short I cancelled as I got upset about the whole thing and didn't want to be upset around him and he made other plans to go out (I found that bit out later).

A couple of hours later I found myself inconsolable as I'd realised that while Mr X and I had been through so much, he was in fact still the only person in the whole world I felt I could turn to if things were bad, the only person I didn't need to wear a mask around.  I decided to give him a call and if he hadn't made plans to head round anyway as in 3 weeks I would regret it if not.  He didn't answer.  As soon as I heard his voicemail I burst into tears and left a very short 'I'm so sad you are leaving, do you still want to hang out' sobbing voicemail.  I then headed to his flat (3 doors down) to knock on the door in floods of tears about everything looking for a hug.  He was in the bath so text me. 

Cutting it short again, he said he would come over when out the bath, an hour passed and he didn't turn up so I text him again and he said he had made other plans when I had cancelled and so had gone out.  I have probably only ever asked Mr X to give me a hug or be there for me twice the entire time I have known him and he didn't even come across the hallway before he went out to see if I was ok.  I'm not a mentalist I wouldn't have wanted him to cancel a night out, nor would I have wanted him to spend hours with me if he had made plans.  I did think he would have knocked to see if I was ok, give me a hug and say lets talk tomorrow though.

Writing this down in such small context I realise does make me sound a bit unhinged (hence the intro), but after everything; fighting with each other, against each other and with each other to reach a point where we are truly friends again for him to then not to come and give me a hug when the very thing I am upset about is him leaving... It has really upset me

He didn't show outside my work at 6pm today when we agreed to meet so I text and then walked to his.  I told him I was upset that he hadn't checked I was ok to which rather than saying 'i'm sorry you are so upset I am leaving, here have a hug, lets chill out and have a giggle' he got defensive saying he didn't know I was upset and hadn't got my voicemail despite being on wifi the whole time until this morning. He didn't ask me if I was ok once, or show any kind of concern or emotion.  I lost it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Michael Jackson - Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P4A1K4lXDo

Its a rare occasion that I become a fully fledged hormonal woman but tonight was one of them.  I actually slammed a door.  Ok, so it was a half slam that I realised after I had walked out could have been an epic slam, but a half slam is impressive for me all the same.  I'm not sure of the words that came out of my mouth (I know they were pretty rational which surprised me as they came out of my mouth at least 5 times the volume of my normal words), and I definitely said the word 'fuck' at least  twice, but I'm sure they weren't too nice). 

Sometimes the slightly mental approach just creeps up on you from behind and before you know it you convince yourself you are GI Jane righting the wrongs in the world.