Fingertips (updated due to horrific grammar earlier)

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up the next morning and you start to re-assess your thoughts on something/someone because of it?

I had a dream last night that I was out of the city visiting a friend and his girlfriend down South who had just had a baby and unusually, rather than having a baby shower or something low key they had decided to book the VIP section of a seriously hot club.  For some reason, I had taken my entire team from work with me.  Most of the dream was pretty normal, lots of giggles, girls getting ready, guys telling jokes and drinks flowing but the other part has lingered with me since I got up this morning.

The dream itself seemed to split into two halves, the first was a night out the day we arrived, just my team and I, we hit some kind of underground club we danced the night away yet bizarrely when someone spoke we could hear each other talk without shouting.  I can't really remember how, but at some point while I was standing next to a guy in my team and we were being pushed closer and closer together as people passed we ended up holding hands... just fingertips.  It was intense and yet innocent and before the night had ended we kissed.  A secret kiss, in the background. 

The second half of the dream skipped to the next day. Everyone was awake and we were preening and pruning for the next night out.  My eyes kept catching his (the guy I had kissed) but I kept looking away, nervous that the others would know what had happened and would judge me harshly for taking advantage of someone who worked for me.  Pretending however, turned out to be pointless.  It was clear from the looks on the girls faces and the conversations said in nothing but little whispers that everyone knew exactly what was going on and somehow seemed to have seen it coming.  I found  him close by the rest of that day, catching my fingertips when no one was looking and by the look on his face hoping I would catch his back.  I didn't, but I didn't stop him either.

From then on the dream gets a little blurry... I know we all headed to a giant supermarket to track down baby gifts and caused havoc running about the aisles giggling but then it just ended.

It wasn't a steamy dream (not that I tend to have those for some reason) and it wasn't an overly romantic or serious dream either, but the fingertip hand holding has definitely lingered in my mind since I woke.

In real-life guy from my team who played the 'feature role' is lovely and single but I've never really contemplated him in that way yet I get the impression I might be a little coy around him today.

Its really funny how dreams can stir things in your mind and knock you off kilter when you least expect it.  I'm open to suggestions of interpretation if anyone feels the need.  I'm not convinced it is a dream of secret lusty feelings tho :p

----------------------------

Joseph Arthur - In The Sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNF2cbW37mo

Worst Tip Ever

I came a blank when thinking about what to blog about today so decided to use google for my inspiration and maaaaan was it rubbish.  I found one site that even had 'talk about cats' as its number 1 blog idea.


Anyway, more so for my own amusement than yours I thought I would give you a sample of the kind of drivvel you could be faced with should you ever decide to leave my blog for something new.


Today my bloggers I give you... My day in food (yesterdays)





Now bloggers wasn't that thrilling???  


Marmalade on toast, star cookie, banana, chick pea and broccoli curry (no rice), big red gum and a soya chocolate milk 


mmmmmmmmmmmmmm


So there you have it... 6 reasons why I will never again use google for blog inspiration.

---------------------------
Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS1ZW0FdoIU

Babysitting

I just watched a movie that brought back a heap of memories when I was in my senior years at high school.

I've always had odd jobs for as long as I can remember growing up, but when I was 14 that's when I really began to pay my own way.  I had a job cold calling to sell windows 4 nights a week after school (16hrs a week) and I would often babysit/child mind for a few families we knew at the weekend for a few hours also.

One of the families I used to child mind for lived in a huge old detached house - the kind with a formal dining room, several unused study or living rooms, a library and an an eerie feel surrounding the older part of the building.  Anyway, the parents were an odd couple, extremely polite and somewhat formal in their approach to me until of course I was alone with the dad.  When that happened, the rules changed.

He was in his early 40s, flew aeroplanes for a living and had perfect posture.  A man who held presence in a room when he entered it and had I never been in a room with him on my own to know otherwise; emitted a sense of dignity akin to the characters you read about in a Brontë book.

Every night when they returned he would somehow find a reason for his wife to leave us alone... Had she checked the answering machine, were the children sleeping, wasn't she waiting on an email etc.  Almost immediately after she left the room he would invite himself into my personal space and ask me questions about school, my friends and my personal life.  On the rare occasion he convinced her to let him drive me home (it was as if she sensed there was something unusual about the way he looked at me), he would always find some reason to lean across, brush my arm, my leg.  

At the time I just had him down as a bit of a creep.  In hindsight and thinking of some of the conversations he started up on the 'seriously slow' drive back to my house it is pretty clear that he was angling for a green light.  A little babysitter action in return for some extra cash.  I remember telling my friends and having many a laugh at his expense.  He never crossed the line but why did I never tell anyone of consequence about his unusual manner?

Creepy now even thinking about it.

------------------------
Emily Browning - Sweet Dreams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHuqV9hbNN0

Changing The Pieces

In the last six weeks I've had no less than three attached men 'test the water' in terms of leaving their girlfriends to be with me.  

I'm not sure why this seems to be the type of guy I'm attracting at the moment as I definitely don't flirt with attached men.  I wouldn't so much as a kiss a man in a relationship, let alone plan dating one, so why all of a sudden do I seem to be attracting them?

I used to think that people were intrinsically good and happened upon a few poor choices along the way.  I also used to think that while as a species we are probably not built for monogamy, for the most part we aspire to it and do all in our power to make things work with that one special person that sets  the world on fire.  These days I'm not so sure.  It seems I know a lot of men who appeared to be salt of the earth, loving boyfriends and have now shown  if I gave them the green light (possibly even amber in one case) that they would break someone else's heart as easily as opening an envelope.

So where are all the decent men hiding?  The guys who you can be friends with without the worry that one day they will try to push the boundary.  The men who when talking about their girlfriends tell you the good things, the little things that mean no matter what they are going to stick by that person for the rest of their life.  I know they are out there.

I like to think when I'm in a relationship and I've made that decision to let someone into my life, that I know deep down they would rather hurt me and tell me they had to move on than betray me and cheat.  I would hate to think I was with someone who was just biding their time while all the ducks were lined up to do a runner to someone else.  

I think I need to have a really hard think about what it is I'm doing that is giving off the impression that I'm that type of girl so I can nip it in the bud well before I meet Mr knock me off my feet.

I know you are out there.

------------------------------

The Pretty Reckless - You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUMwFaXTM3s

Back to Life

Well bloggers you will be happy to hear that mum was fit and able to travel back down South and so after a day to myself yesterday to recoup, I am back in the world of the living today... Unfortunately that also means goodbye annual leave, and hello massive great big stonking pile of work.

Anyway all isn't bad, the sun is most definitely shining,  I treat myself to pizza last night and so lunch my lil bloggers is already made (yes, I'm one of those people) and yesterday I didn't completely luck out in the love department.  One of you lovely people sent me a comedy e-valentine and someone I used to date sent me a CD (he is a singer/songwriter and it was his own stuff so not a cheezy as it sounds).

The next few days are a bit full-on as I've the bi-annual 'planning day' at work tomorrow so I need to pull an additional 8hrs on top of my normal shift (as I've meetings that can't be rescheduled).  I've taken on a huge case with the union which requires me to spend a good few hours building a time-line and searching for company presidencies.  I've a couple of CVs in that need pimping to keep my cash flowing.  I've a wardrobe of clothing that needs sorting and either dropping at the charity shop or putting on ebay and I need to get my ass to the shops to buy a heap of fruit/vegetables for next weeks 'liquid diet' plan.

This Sunday I'm meeting up with the SATC girlies (the ones I met online) to discuss our A-Z list of 'things to do' and to plan our outfits for an upcoming charity 70s night next month... Any suggestions on what I should wear??  

-------------------------------------

In keeping with the 70s theme:

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDlvPD9qCao&ob=av2n

Valentines Day

To be single and not give a crap today is truly becoming your own superhero, for those of you that need a little love however... <3

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Schyler Fisk - On Your Arm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Z_LZ5GW0s

Statistics About Turning 30 (the big 3-Ohhhh no!)

Life is one big heap of crazy at the moment and there was me thinking 30 would mean dull days and middle aged wrinkles.  I'm still struggling with time so blogs may stay sporadic this next few weeks however as I haven't blogged since hitting the scary 3-Ohhhhh no!  I figured today was the day and what better subject to blog about than 'statistics about turning 30'

• The average person has had 7.5 jobs and will have had 2.4 more by the age of 35.  I absolutely blow this statistic out of the water.  I've been working since I was 14 at least 16hrs a week and so accompany that with my Mary Poppins (move where the wind blows me) gene and I could probably triple the figure.  Average in this department... I am clearly not.
• You are 26% less likely to make a New Year's resolution in your 30s, but if you do... you are 25% more likely to stick to it.  I'll get back to you on this one.
• One 1/33 men and 1/25 woman are virgins at the age of 30.  Yowzer, is it just me or are you also shocked at how high that figure is?  Needless to say I am not in the minority with this one.
• 81% or women and 71% or men have been married by the age of 30 (and the divorce rate of people married under the age of 30 twice as high as those married after).  I am seriously in the minority here, I didn't think that many people had been married by 30, I thought maybe 60-70% but wow... Fingers crossed I reap the benefit of never having to face a messy divorce as a plus side of being late on the commitment train.
• The most common way to die at age 30 is by accident.  This one made me smile.  I might be on the cusp of middle aged and I might be  in the minority by being single but there is a statistic that somehow shows that hitting 30 doesn't automatically mean you have to start acting sensible.   I remember hearing years ago that a reasonable percentage of tourists become injured or die by being hit on the head because they sat under a coconut tree.  To this day I still think this is a fantastic way to go.

Off The Radar

Hi all, my b'day was a total disaster as my mum and brother turned up in the morning to surprise me and take me for lunch... about 10mins after arriving mum was really unwell and long story short she is currently in a the infirmary with a suspected stroke.


I will be off the radar for a few days as things are hectic at the moment and I am going solo as my bro had to head back yesterday afternoon.


Speak soon x

Giraffe Bread

Hat's off to one bloggers clever little girl and a BBC news story that made me smile on a very sleepy weekday.


-------------------------------------

Tiger bread renamed giraffe bread

by Sainsbury's

T

Sainsbu's is renaming its tiger bread after a letter a three-year-old girl wrote to the company, saying the bread looked more like a giraffe, went viral.

In May 2011, Lily Robinson wrote to the supermarket, suggesting that the bread should be called giraffe bread.

She received a letter back saying that renaming it was "a brilliant idea".

Her mother posted the letters on her blog and after it again became a topic of conversation on social media sites last week, the bread has been renamed.

Lily's letter said: "Why is tiger bread called tiger bread? It should be called giraffe bread. Love from Lily Robinson age 3 and 1/2".

Chris King from the Sainsbury's customer services team wrote back: "I think renaming tiger bread giraffe bread is a brilliant idea - it looks much more like the blotches on a giraffe than the stripes on a tiger, doesn't it?"

But he went on to explain how it had got its name: "It is called tiger bread because the first baker who made it a looong time ago thought it looked stripey like a tiger. Maybe they were a bit silly."

He included a £3 gift card, and signed the letter "Chris King (age 27 & 1/3)".

The exchange began trending on Twitter but then died down, before it re-emerged on social networks last week.

Sainsbury's has now given in to popular demand.

"In response to overwhelming customer feedback that our tiger bread has more resemblance to a giraffe, from today we will be changing our tiger bread to giraffe bread and seeing how that goes," the supermarket said.

Tiger bread is typically a bloomer loaf with a pattern baked into the top. Rice paste is brushed on to the surface before baking, forming the pattern as it dries and cracks while it bakes.

Sainsbury's said that Chris King had now left the company and had returned to university to study to be a primary school teacher.

Busses, Bosses and Booze

Just home from the conference with work and I'm shattered.  I'm sure you want to hear me talk about work as much as I want to exfoliate my face with a cheese grater so here are the high/lowlights:

• Coach chattage and giggles
• Getting to know three of my more distant colleagues better
• Planking on top of the retro TV in the hotel.
• Convincing another manager to plank in the bar wearing a onesie
• Rush hour traffic making extending the bus journey 1hr
• Hotel that smells like old people (even if super clean)
• Great Italian food in the hotel restaurant
• Networking with the 'powers that be'
• Free bar
• Sexual advances from a married man
• Married man following me to my bedroom and having to have the door shut in his face.
• Married man knocking at my door 10mins later asking to 'come in for a drink' and being met by the sound of me turning the lock in the door
• Hellish hangover and lack of sleep
• Awful breakfast with sexual harassment married man trying to locate a seat next to me.
• Interesting conference.
• Regret at taking the vegetarian lunch option (plate of carrots and potato...weird!)
• Great bus banter on the coach trip back home.
• Pending facebook 'friend' invite from sexual harassment man

Ola bed!

On The Go

This little chica is on the road tomorrow for a two day conference so it's ola 5hr bus trip (yes bus... my company sees this as team-building as there are approx 50 people travelling) and then hello enforced group dinner and 'please be ok' hotel. 


I am sure there will be a few treats for me to tell you so I shall keep you posted mobile style.


In the mean time, here is a song that has been stuck in my head all day!

Sat on the floor wondering how I got here...

It doesn't matter how hard you try to move on when you have loved someone so deeply the word love itself seemed too little, that person will always have the ability peel back a wound as if it is as fresh as the day they broke your heart no matter how much time has passed.

I had to email Mr X a month or so ago for reasons unrelated to our relationship.  Our exchange was polite yet brief and in some ways was exactly what I needed.  Two days ago I needed to email him again and as a consequence he asked that I unblock him from chatting on my phone so he could fix the problem.  I did, and things went well.  We didn't speak about anything other than the matter at hand but it was pleasant and informal.  Once everything was discussed I wished him well and said goodbye.  He responded by thanking me for UNblocking him.  I know now I should have just left it there but as things usually go when you don't pre-plan I ended up replying to say I had blocked him as we weren't talking and so I wouldn't msg him either as his actions had been pretty clear in letting me know he didn't want to stay in touch any more.  I then left saying pleasant goodbye again.

Unfortunately rather than ending things there this then went on to prompt him to send me a rather long message saying why he had been upset and feeling that way.  It wasn't in an accusatory or argumentative tone, but it wouldn't have been hard not to read with an element of finger pointing.    Again, I shouldn't have, but I replied.  I wasn't argumentative and I left it saying I didn't see the value in the conversation and we should just leave things as water under the bridge as I was sure neither of us wanted to complicate things by arguing.

I hadn't realised straight away but I found myself sat down with tears streaming down my face.  Silent non-blubbering tears, hot and heavy and pouring down my face.  One message and I had somehow been transported back 5months.  

He messaged back shortly after saying that he was saddened by the whole thing but agreed it was all in the past (smiley face).  I decided best to acknowledge his text and so composed myself and sent a short reply to say I was pleased we agreed and to wish him the best again.   

He replied.  He asked how I am doing.  The hot salty tears began to roll down my face again.  I logged out.

I think I will always be in love with Mr X, whether I will meet someone else who will capture my heart in a different but equally strong way I still don't know, but Mr X will always hold a piece of my heart.

I don't wish him anything but a happy and full life, but I can't have him dipping in and out of mine.  He pushed me away, messed me around and hurt me in a way I didn't  even know was possible when he just disappeared.  The end of our relationship first as partners and then as friends caused me enough heartache for ten lifetimes.  I don't want to put myself in a position where he could let me down and break pieces of me again.  

I've no idea if or how to reply.  I would like to leave things with an ending and ignoring a text isn't that but I don't want to get into things or end up hurt again.

<3 ...

--------------------------------------

Nikki - How to Break a Heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-otV0FD8Ck

Insomnia II

My brain, my poor brain.

I'm drinking myself to sleep again, nightnurse pills to keep me sane

Drinking myself to sleep again, insomnia.

At this rate I'm going to be looking like a zombie come this work conference on Monday/Tuesday.

--------------------

Feeder - Insomnia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6XsYyP1QXw

Insomnia

I feel like I'm beginning to look like Christian Bale in the machinist (minus the super skinny body).  I haven't had a decent nights sleep in about a month, I come home from work late in the evening, try to chill out, go to bed and then just lay there... wide awake!

I bought an eye mask online to assist with the blackout factor and I don't really get noise from the road or other apartments in my block in my bedroom so why oh why can't I sleep.

I've tried: relaxing music, reading, complete sound and light deprivation, early mornings, timetabled bed times, hot baths, TV avoidance and, clean sheets, heavy blankets, light blankets, pyjamas, nudity, turning the heating up, turning the heating down, opening a window, deep breathing, turning my mattress, milky drinks (yuck), avoiding caffeine, food deprivation, counting sheep, exercise and even getting drunk (which actually got me to sleep no problem but didn't help as I woke up feeling like death).

Shattered.com

----------------------------

Of Mice And Men - When You Can't Sleep At Night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtGl5vvYgVI