Ouch

Sorry in delay bloggers I'll be back tomorrow with an update. It's been a crazy few days and I've broken myself so typing isn't easy.

No dress code

A short one today bloggers as I'm writing from a train - I'm off to a negotiating course, not sure I need it but you never know.

I always get so nervous when I have to walk into a room with people I don't know. I was meant to be on this course with the other high level union rep but she pulled out at the last minute for personal reasons and so here I am on the 1hr train journey to the conference centre and I bloggers, am one nervous lil ostrich.

You see despite knowing that I am reasonably intelligent and can hold my own, the invite said 'no dress code' which is my idea of hell when it comes to anything work related and the reasons are as thus:

• My business clothes help give the impression I'm smart and worth listening to.
• My wardrobe of 'casual' does what it says on the tin. I'm a converse, denim skirt, leggings and t-shirt kinda girl - this usually leads to assumptions of immature, naive, and girl who can be interrupted.

No dress code indeed is dangerous territory. At least with casual you know they really mean 'chinos, trousers and a shirt with no tie but we didn't want to appear stiff',  but no dress code!??!

My solution has been to stick with the denim skirt and the leggings but to opt for a semi casual White shirt - oh the dysfunction of my look right now. In addition my non-work jewellery rather than my work type stuff (yes women do that) and only half casual hair has been opted for.

Yes Bloggers, 'no dress code' is a trap!!

Indecent Proposal

I got into a debate with OOJ on the phone the other day, the question was if you would sleep with someone, no-strings, no attachments, one off, no cheating and no family involved to get to the top. 

I know the 'moral' thing is to say 'hell no way' but lets face it, life is easier with money and is saying you would any less ethical than the guy who orchestrates playing golf at the same time as his boss, the girl who turns up 10mins before everyone else everyday.  See the way I look at it, its just using another tool to get ahead and lets face it, we all want to get ahead. 

OOJ said I was kidding myself and that I would want to get there on merit, but I ask you, what is wrong with getting there anyway you know how and using your skills to do the job once you get there.  If no-one is cheating then I say why the hell not.  What would you say bloggers?  Comment below with a YES/NO and let me know if you would or not.

I mean what could I do if I had a great well paid job?  I could look after my family, live where I wanted.  Have a nice house, buy a car, go on holidays so I get my fill of sunshine each year.  Travel.  Visit friends and go out more often.  Yes.  There's no doubt about it, Demi Moore step aside, if I was in the position of receiving an indecent proposal I'd jump right on it (pun intended).

----------------------

Jessie J & BOB - Price Tag

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMxX-QOV9tI

Journal

When I was in High School I kept a diary, not an everyday diary, just a journal I wrote in when things happened.  Somewhow the diaries I kept have survived the 101 location moves I have done since leaving school and so today I thought it might be fun to pop a few entries from waaaaay back when on here for you to peep at.  Lets see how much I have changed.  I'm going to copy word for word so if it doesn't make sense you know why. 

7th March 1997

Dad got really Ill today, from 5:15 - 6:30 he was constantly going to the bathroom to be sick - who would think 1 meat meal could cause so many problems.

I am really worried about him although he seems slightly better now.  I hope, WISH, he doesn't get Ill again.  I'd get Ill if I thought it would stop him getting sick.  I will try not to think about it.  I'll make things easier for him and mum tomorrow.  I will clean the hall and the kitchen, begin the living room and on Saturday i will go into town and buy new rubber gloves - do the kitchen and finish the living room.  Maybie if its a nice day I will do some gardening as well.

I'm going to have a hectic weekend and 'all because the lady loves her dad'.

30th March 2004

Just off the phone to Trisha and we are both looking forwards to moving to Edinburgh.  We want a flatwarming party, the noise levels will mean we will have to invite the neighbours.  It could work out good as they may be young and funky and who knows, some of them might be cute guys!!


I really did love my dad.  I still do.
----------------------------------------
Needtobreathe - Something Beautiful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq1H3l7kyYU

Sparkle

I remember when the biggest battle of my week would be trying to convince My parents to let me play outside 'just 10mins longer', when I trusted everyone and when I thought it didn't matter how many times you fell down, someone would always be there to help you get back up.  I remember when I thought 29 was old.

The problem with growing up is that for some of us, sometimes, we get a glimpse of the magic we used to see when we were little.  In a movie, in a song, in a photo And sometimes in a moment that takes your breath away.  And there lies the the never ending quandary.  Once you know it is there, just out of reach, but there all the same there, nothing else is good enough.

I love those little bits of magic, those moments where you see everything in a new light and feel like you could take on the whole world and win.  I live for the moments where I'm lucky enouGh to have my tummy flip upside down and it doesn't matter what I do I can't get enough air. 

I live for the moments in life that are few and far between, can't be found can only be stumbled upon, make your entire world spin and make everything else fade into the background.  I miss those moments.  I feel like I haven't seen the magic for a while now, but I will wait because I know when I least expect it a firework will appear.

So until then, until I see the glimmer of a sparkle I will do what I have to, I will be the best I Can be and I will embrace the mistakes.

-------------------------------

James Morrison - Once When I Was Little

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pi87KmwiDtE&feature=fvst

Office Romance

It seems I have developed a little bit of a crush on one of my colleagues at work.  What shall we call him... Hanson (because he has shoulder length hair). 

I'm not really into guys with long hair, in fact if you gave me a questionnaire I would probably circle it as one of the things that turns me off the most, but Hanson has what I would call 'girl long hair' as in, shiny, in great condition, straight and he doesn't look like a mosher.  Hanson is around my age, is a keen snowboarder, and makes me laugh lots.

Its been suggested for a while now that we would be 'cute together' but despite being attractive he isnt' really my 'type' of guy and I'm not sure I'm his 'type' of girl either as the last person he dated that I know of was a while ago and she is a rather sour faced stick insect of a girl, older than me, who seems to think she is a cut above and gets stressed a lot at work.  Don't get me wrong, I actually get on with her, but we are chalk and cheese.

Anyway I've never really thought anything of it but we have spoken quite a lot these last few months and have built up a bit of a cheeky and slightly flirtatious (but you couldn't read anything into it) rapport.  I don't think anything will come of it in the slightest but hey, its always good to have some kind of distraction from time to time.

My mission of friendship yesterday worked well.  It seems my breakup and subsequent year of fluctuation with Mr X has made me exceptionally adept at the ins and outs of relationships and while both you and I know I am an emotional plane crash, to the outside world it appears I see things from a different angle, am pretty switched on when it comes to men and yes, I am indeed a good friend. 

----------------------------------------------
Beyonce - If I Were A Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWpsOqh8q0M

Recipe for Men & Women

Today I will be donning my cape of ears and helping out a friend who has been dumped by her bf of 4 years 9 days before the biggest exam of her life. 

Now why I ask you if he cared for her at all could he not wait until the exam was over?  They didn't have a fight where things got out of control, he told her in a cool calm manner when he dropped her off at home after a day out? I don't think I will ever get men.

How to make a man:

• Mix 2 cups of testosterone with one spoon of anti-commitment
• Stir in several spoons of emotional cold spots
• Add 300mls of emotional self preservation
• Sieve to remove multitasking
• Bake for about 18 years... take out realise its still premature and bake for a further 10.
• Sprinkle lightly with 'my mum is the best'
• Add a twist of selfishness and finally decorate with blinkers.

How to make a woman:

• Mix 8 cups of oestrogen with one cup of manipulation
• Stir in several drops of self doubt and a pinch of flirtation
• Bake every month for 4-7days and monitor decreased levels of rationale
• Add 300mls of compassion
• When aging add several spoons of broody
• Dust with an unnatural liking for all things cute and fluffy and decorate with hair extensions, eyeliner and nail polish

 How to make a baby:

• Add one man and one woman
• Bake for anything from 10seconds to 4hours
• Sit back and relax/panic/cry

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Beverly Knight - Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlrrJovnqOA
  

Good Old Fasioned Stress Relief

Sex.

I'm Super stressed, loads going on with Mr X moving, clearing out to move flat and get back to that '2 bags' lifestyle I used to live and love, Uni exams, Uni deadlines, work deadlines, contract negotiations and the never ending question of... Where the hell am I going?

And there is only one fail safe anti-stress, 100% guaranteed cure... Sex.

I can't lie bloggers since we spoke last I did pounce on the dating scene and on a couple of men along the way.  One was an utter disappointment but he did help to break my exceptionally long spell of chastity and so for that I deserves some gratitude, the other had the hands of a pianist but I could have taken or left the rest.

No, what I could use right now is some crazy hot, no-strings, no-emotions sex.  All recent thoughts considered, I have to say, I'm thinking now might be the time to have a an experience with a girl.  Men just seem to get attached anyway and all I'm thinking of right now is a quick 'hi there and hello'.

----------------------------------------------Martin Solveig & Dragonette - Hello

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kK42LZqO0wA

Tests & Negotiations

Be scared my blogger friends, I decided a few weeks ago that I was getting too long in the tooth not to have a driving licence and so in true Ser3ndipity style I decided to do it but in the most haphazard way possible.

I booked my theory test to take place 5 days after I decided to sit it.  I spent hmmm 2hrs in total revising 10mins on the highway code part and the rest on hazard perception videos, none of which I was able to pass.  Anyway I decided yesterday morning passing the actual exam would never happen but talked myself into going anyway as I'd paid £31 for the privilege. 

The centre was full of people and all I could think was 'when I fail will they tell me out loud so everyone can hear'.  Anyway I sat my test in a room full of other people sat at PCs and at one point the word 'fucker' slipped from my mouth as I nearly missed the break lights of a car in front on one of the videos.  I have to say I thought the video's in the actual test were much easier!  That's right, I passed :)

I also made the last min executive decision last night that as Walliams moves out this flat on the 21st May and I don't really want to run the risk of living with a random person on mental health medication again, that I would contact the landlord and position me moving into Mr X one bed flat across the hall when he moves out.  The rent on the flat is rather expensive, its a large one bedroom flat, we live right next to the park on the right side of town but I needed to get the rent down. 

When Mr X and I moved into this flat initially the rent was on for £750, I managed to get it down to £625 which is crazy cheap for the size and style of the flat (I mean I live in a tenement and have an upstairs and an en suite!), I also managed to get the flat part-furnished.  I am gooooood at negotiation.  Anyway the landlord knows this so he said he would call me back.  I knew he was psyching himself up.  He started at £500 with a £500 deposit, I started at £400 with a £400 deposit.  The end result?  He finished on £400 with a transferable deposit from my current flat of £312.50.  I think that is called a little game called 'I Win'

Yes.  A good day all round.

Oh and yes, Mr X and I both apologised, had a hug and we are back on track.

----------------------

The Flying Lizards - Money

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJF3R-sGrZg&feature=fvst

Inner Mentalist

The problem with blogging and putting your life on a plate for the whole world to see is that while you may be a rational and well rounded person, putting your thoughts and feelings on a page highlight your inner 'weirdo'.

Mr X has been applying for jobs in the UAE where his parents, sister and niece live, he has being doing this for a while and I have been supporting him through interviews as we have been getting on really well (and before you assume anything, purely and only as friends, the occasional mention of who one of us is dating but all very appropriate for two exes who are trying to remain friends).  Anyway, last week Mr X told me he had been offered a job and had accepted and is due to leave the UK in 3 weeks.

I was really pleased for him, the job is perfect, the salary is good and its something that will probably help him sort his head out.  I said I would help him sell/get rid of his things and we both had a lil choked up moment when we realised that we had come through so much to still be each others 'go to person' and to have found solid ground at the exact time we are about to put several thousand miles between us.

Yesterday Mr X and I agreed to hang out at 2pm, organise, chat, have a few drinks and really just spend some time together as in a few weeks we wouldn't be able to.  Anyway long story short I cancelled as I got upset about the whole thing and didn't want to be upset around him and he made other plans to go out (I found that bit out later).

A couple of hours later I found myself inconsolable as I'd realised that while Mr X and I had been through so much, he was in fact still the only person in the whole world I felt I could turn to if things were bad, the only person I didn't need to wear a mask around.  I decided to give him a call and if he hadn't made plans to head round anyway as in 3 weeks I would regret it if not.  He didn't answer.  As soon as I heard his voicemail I burst into tears and left a very short 'I'm so sad you are leaving, do you still want to hang out' sobbing voicemail.  I then headed to his flat (3 doors down) to knock on the door in floods of tears about everything looking for a hug.  He was in the bath so text me. 

Cutting it short again, he said he would come over when out the bath, an hour passed and he didn't turn up so I text him again and he said he had made other plans when I had cancelled and so had gone out.  I have probably only ever asked Mr X to give me a hug or be there for me twice the entire time I have known him and he didn't even come across the hallway before he went out to see if I was ok.  I'm not a mentalist I wouldn't have wanted him to cancel a night out, nor would I have wanted him to spend hours with me if he had made plans.  I did think he would have knocked to see if I was ok, give me a hug and say lets talk tomorrow though.

Writing this down in such small context I realise does make me sound a bit unhinged (hence the intro), but after everything; fighting with each other, against each other and with each other to reach a point where we are truly friends again for him to then not to come and give me a hug when the very thing I am upset about is him leaving... It has really upset me

He didn't show outside my work at 6pm today when we agreed to meet so I text and then walked to his.  I told him I was upset that he hadn't checked I was ok to which rather than saying 'i'm sorry you are so upset I am leaving, here have a hug, lets chill out and have a giggle' he got defensive saying he didn't know I was upset and hadn't got my voicemail despite being on wifi the whole time until this morning. He didn't ask me if I was ok once, or show any kind of concern or emotion.  I lost it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Michael Jackson - Scream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P4A1K4lXDo

Its a rare occasion that I become a fully fledged hormonal woman but tonight was one of them.  I actually slammed a door.  Ok, so it was a half slam that I realised after I had walked out could have been an epic slam, but a half slam is impressive for me all the same.  I'm not sure of the words that came out of my mouth (I know they were pretty rational which surprised me as they came out of my mouth at least 5 times the volume of my normal words), and I definitely said the word 'fuck' at least  twice, but I'm sure they weren't too nice). 

Sometimes the slightly mental approach just creeps up on you from behind and before you know it you convince yourself you are GI Jane righting the wrongs in the world.

Crossroads

I'm seriously debating packing everything up, selling anything worth while, saving as much as I can and sodding off somewhere in June and to hell with it all.  Bad idea?

Mr X leaving in three weeks has provided me with a catalyst.  My current flatmate 'Walliams' will be leaving at the end of May as his masters will be finished and he wants to look for work by his parents in Norwich so really there couldn't be a better time.  The question is, would it be 'just what I need' or would it be Ser3ndipity a-typical response to life.  Get bored. Fall into a whirlwind of disaster.  Pack up.  Move on. Regret it later.

At the moment work is going extremely well, although it is far from the career I wish to pursue and while Uni has taken a massive sideline and I'm a crap load behind (an essay and a dissertation proposal due in the next 2 weeks which I haven't yet started and exams around the corner) I think if I go into super dedicated mode for the next 2 months I could pull it back.

All I know for sure is that today I felt compelled to start sorting through my things.  I currently have 2 bags of items for the charity shop, two bags of stuff for the bin, and I've begun to list the things I could flog on ebay.  (2 mannequins, a blackberry still in its box, an old laptop...)

I think a fresh start could do me the world of good, but I don't want to throw it all away and regret it later which seems to be a common theme when I look at the twists and turns that my life has taken so far.

Am I just looking for an excuse to run away from everything?  What would you do?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Pink -  Fuckin' Perfect

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4Rax2PXiWA

3months in 13 points

So a heap has happened since we spoke last and yet not a lot (if that makes sense).  No point in going into great detail so I'll hit you with 13 bullet points that will probably get you up to speed and then from here on in my lil bloggers its just you. Me. Life and one hell of a diary entry.

• Jumped back into the dating scene with both feet.
• Dated a guy I knew from waaaay back when (OOJ) for a tiny while.
• OOJ dropped the L-Bomb and I went running in the other direction as fast as my legs would take me.
• Threw myself into my extra union role at work, jetted around the country to meetings and am now the 'go to girl' for any key changes for sign off.  Currently working on new company KPI sign off, DVR packages and the pay negotiation for the Company at 6 management levels in the UK.
• Went crazy mental at the thought of turning 30 and spent an entire week without leaving my bedroom.
• Decided to embrace my youth - signed up for an abseil (last time I did one I froze and got stuck), its in 9 days and I'm terrified.
• Finally reached fully fledged friendship territory with Mr X
• Made £800 selling things on ebay to fund a botox venture - watch this space
• Changed my hairstyle... yes yet again.
• Procrastinated Uni work to death to the point I'm now who knows where in the 'miles behind'.
• Decided it was about time I passed my driving test so paid for an intensive course and sit my theory this coming Monday.
• I keep thinking more and more frequently about sex with women.

And the 13th bullet point...

• I found a lump in the side of my breast last week

-------------------------------------'The best part of confession is, you don't have to see the other persons face; and you don't have to see how hurt they are when they realise that you can't be that thing that they want you to be'.

Counting Crows - Colourblind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyzrmu4vPDM&feature=fvst

I'm back!

So bloggers after three months of 'cold turkey' as far as blogs go and a notion of doing a countdown to 30 blog I've decided to stick to what I know and join the world of regular blogging again.

Quite a lot has happened since we spoke last and I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been a trigger for me getting to where I am today and starting another blog for you to follow, but all in good time...

For right now, save this link. Click on the follow button. Send the URL to anyone and everyone you know and prepare yourselves for a full on update tomorrow.

Bet you missed me...

Ser3ndipity x