The problem with blogging and putting your life on a plate for the whole world to see is that while you may be a rational and well rounded person, putting your thoughts and feelings on a page highlight your inner 'weirdo'.
Mr X has been applying for jobs in the UAE where his parents, sister and niece live, he has being doing this for a while and I have been supporting him through interviews as we have been getting on really well (and before you assume anything, purely and only as friends, the occasional mention of who one of us is dating but all very appropriate for two exes who are trying to remain friends). Anyway, last week Mr X told me he had been offered a job and had accepted and is due to leave the UK in 3 weeks.
I was really pleased for him, the job is perfect, the salary is good and its something that will probably help him sort his head out. I said I would help him sell/get rid of his things and we both had a lil choked up moment when we realised that we had come through so much to still be each others 'go to person' and to have found solid ground at the exact time we are about to put several thousand miles between us.
Yesterday Mr X and I agreed to hang out at 2pm, organise, chat, have a few drinks and really just spend some time together as in a few weeks we wouldn't be able to. Anyway long story short I cancelled as I got upset about the whole thing and didn't want to be upset around him and he made other plans to go out (I found that bit out later).
A couple of hours later I found myself inconsolable as I'd realised that while Mr X and I had been through so much, he was in fact still the only person in the whole world I felt I could turn to if things were bad, the only person I didn't need to wear a mask around. I decided to give him a call and if he hadn't made plans to head round anyway as in 3 weeks I would regret it if not. He didn't answer. As soon as I heard his voicemail I burst into tears and left a very short 'I'm so sad you are leaving, do you still want to hang out' sobbing voicemail. I then headed to his flat (3 doors down) to knock on the door in floods of tears about everything looking for a hug. He was in the bath so text me.
Cutting it short again, he said he would come over when out the bath, an hour passed and he didn't turn up so I text him again and he said he had made other plans when I had cancelled and so had gone out. I have probably only ever asked Mr X to give me a hug or be there for me twice the entire time I have known him and he didn't even come across the hallway before he went out to see if I was ok. I'm not a mentalist I wouldn't have wanted him to cancel a night out, nor would I have wanted him to spend hours with me if he had made plans. I did think he would have knocked to see if I was ok, give me a hug and say lets talk tomorrow though.
Writing this down in such small context I realise does make me sound a bit unhinged (hence the intro), but after everything; fighting with each other, against each other and with each other to reach a point where we are truly friends again for him to then not to come and give me a hug when the very thing I am upset about is him leaving... It has really upset me
He didn't show outside my work at 6pm today when we agreed to meet so I text and then walked to his. I told him I was upset that he hadn't checked I was ok to which rather than saying 'i'm sorry you are so upset I am leaving, here have a hug, lets chill out and have a giggle' he got defensive saying he didn't know I was upset and hadn't got my voicemail despite being on wifi the whole time until this morning. He didn't ask me if I was ok once, or show any kind of concern or emotion. I lost it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P4A1K4lXDo
Its a rare occasion that I become a fully fledged hormonal woman but tonight was one of them. I actually slammed a door. Ok, so it was a half slam that I realised after I had walked out could have been an epic slam, but a half slam is impressive for me all the same. I'm not sure of the words that came out of my mouth (I know they were pretty rational which surprised me as they came out of my mouth at least 5 times the volume of my normal words), and I definitely said the word 'fuck' at least twice, but I'm sure they weren't too nice).
Sometimes the slightly mental approach just creeps up on you from behind and before you know it you convince yourself you are GI Jane righting the wrongs in the world.
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